No, it's not the traffic.
It's not even the rudeness of other shoppers, as bad as that usually gets.
It's the CHECKOUT process.
I have the goods in one hand, money in the other.
Just let me pay, for God's sake. That's all I want to do.
I walk up to the register where there is at least one other shopper, and here's the scenario I encounter all too often as of lately.
Cashier: Hi there! (cheerily) Did you find everything ok today?
Shopper #1: Sure did, thanks.
Cashier: Oh good! Do you have an 'xyz membership' card????
Shopper #1: Um, I don't think so...what is that??
Cashier: (she takes a deep breath with genuine excitement and smiles) Oh, well, let me tell you, it's this really great membership where you earn a point for every dollar you spend.
Once you reach 10,000 points, we give you $2 off your next purchase of $500 or more!
Shopper #1: That sounds great, I'll sign up for it.
Cashier: Ok, let's see here (as she scans the checkout screen, humming the Gilligan's Island theme song) It will just take me a minute to set you up here...alrighty, first question...what's your email address?
Shopper#1: It's 'firstname.lastname@example.org'
Cashier: Ok, spell that out for me, hun.
Shopper #1: Sure, it's email@example.com
Cashier: Ok, I have 'firstname.lastname@example.org' Oh goodness, I used to call my first son a cutie when he was little. He's older now and doesn't get out much, so he's not real cute anymore...
Shopper #1: Let me spell out my email again, I think you missed some letters...
Cheese and rice, this shit lasts forever.
They finally clear that up, only for the cashier to be prompted to answer the next mothereffing daunting question...
Cashier: Alright, let me get your phone number.
Shopper #1: gives her phone number, thankfully without any miscommunication between the two.
Cashier: Great, almost finished...
((It's been 6 minutes now, and my arms are shaking from all of heavy crap I'm holding. Why-oh-why did I bypass the shopping carts when I walked in?!?!)
Cashier: Would you like to save 10% today by applying for a 'xyz CREDIT card?'
Shopper #1: No, not today.
Cashier: Oh, come on! What do you have to lose??? (she eggs playfully...)
Alright, alright. And finally, would you like to donate to JoeSchmoe's Car Wash today? If you donate a dollar you will help solve booger problems at your local school?
Shopper#1: Sure, do I get to write my name on a xerox photo of a booger so that you will post it on the wall for everyone to see that I donated to help solve booger problems?! If so, then yes!
Cashier: Okiedokie, here's a pen for you to fill out your donation card to be displayed, and your grand total is $4.87.
Shopper#1: Oops, I forgot to give you my coupon...it's for a whole 1% off!!
Cashier: No problem! I'll scan it. I may have to re-scan your order though.
Shopper#1: That's ok, I don't have anywhere to be...(as she turns around and sees me with a red face and two twitching eyes...)
Meanwhile, three feet behind this charade I imagine what it would feel like to stab myself with the king-size Kit Kat displayed beside me at the register. I then realize the worthless candy bar would break and pierce nothing, and, now great, I want a freakin' Kit Kat bar.
17 minutes later after they began their courtship, they are nearly completing the transaction when another employee darts out of thin air and chirps "ma'am, I can help you over here..."
Son of a mother...
I'll shop at home from now on, jerkholes.
Does this happen to anyone else, or is it just me?
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